Learning to tie my shoes in this world of stinky sweaty gross people that run...

Guest Post by Janine Jordison

I don't run.

You could hold a gun to my head and threaten my life and I would look you in the eye and tell you to please stop wasting my time and pull the trigger because I am not even going to run for my life. If you feel the need to kill me, then please just do it.

I also don't like to sweat. Sweating is gross. It makes you smell. You need to change your clothes after that activity that made you sweat and then you need to have a another shower to make the sweat and gross smell go away. The only time that sweating is appropriate is when you are having sex. Aside from that moment, don't be gross you smelly dripping wet disgusting person.

Common phrases that flowed from my mouth on a regular basis.

I have always thought that my body type didn't support all the extra trauma that running put on my hips, knees or ankles. I am 5' 6" and weigh about 174lbs. I have birthing hips, a booty and thunder thighs. All great qualities if you are looking for someone with meat on her body. I am pretty solid and can hold my own. More often then not, it takes a few tries to get me to hit the ground. My ideal weight according to the Golds Gym trainer I saw when I was 19 was 120lbs. I still remain puzzled to this day where that weight is supposed to come from. I have no place questioning that 23 year old fitness expert though. She went to school to learn how to chew gum and totally knows best.

I am in the "Obese Class 1" category according to my Asian knock off Fitbit called Mifit.Perhaps that the 23 year old from Golds Gym got her education from the same company that invented my Mifit?

I am not ashamed of how much I weigh and never have been even in my heavier days. I carry my weight well and win tons of bets because people don't believe that I weigh as much as I do.

I began my running journey about 4 years ago when I met Trevor. Please don't be fooled, he was training and I was watching how miserable he was. 

Trevor and I are co-workers. He thinks he is my boss and gets to tell me what to do and I know that I run the show. I appease him by "listening" to whatever brilliance flows from his face. Did I mention there is always a smile on my face to go with that? 

He has taught me some amazing things since we have come co-workers. He taught me that less words is better. (that lesson will not apply here because, in this case, the more words the better the story is) He taught me how to do my job better. Well not all of my job just the part where I get to go to court and do legal arguments. You know, things lawyers should do and not their assistants. He also taught me that it isn't nice to tell people that they are stupid. I am allowed to keep that one to myself. (This one is still in dispute and we regularly have conversations about this) We have also learned about stretching and how to say "No".

Sorry, back to my running journey...

So, Trevor starts off by doing a tough mudder and then decides that he is going to be some crazy sweaty gross running, biking, athlete for whatever reason and I get to spend most of my waking hours listening to him complain about how hungry and sore he is. I actually just learned of his reason for doing all of this just recently. (it only took 3 years to finally tell me) I will get to the "ah ha" moment when I realized what my reason was later (Actually probably in another blog posting all together because I think it will take lots of words as well)

Feeling sorry for him, I would bring in snacks because he was hungry all the time. I would often bring left overs for him to eat, mostly because I didn't want to keep eating the same thing over and over again. The food shut him up. I also told him that its time to grow up and start being a responsible adult and go grocery shopping. (you can stop laughing now, a guy be responsible?? Yeah I know RIGHT??!!)  Spoonfuls of peanut butter isn't breakfast. Being an intelligent enough person to become a lawyer, you would think that when your stomach growls, it needs food. If there is no food, go get some.

When Trevor completed his first big race, he was greeted at work with his very own apple pie and a congratulations balloon. It was painful watching him walk through the office and take in all of the congratulatory hand shakes and high fives. I tired quickly of hearing the story of what an achievement it was. I think at one point there was a ucalaly and a singing man. Little did these people know, all that smiling and man grunting would later turn into a the bipolar moody Trevor that ruled this office.

By the way, he only got that much attention in the office because of the Congratulations balloon that I got him. (so technically it's my fault the testosterone carried on for as long as it did and I only have myself to blame for all the publicity he got within the office. WHATEVER!!)

By the way again, that balloon stayed inflated for almost a year. It now lives on the floor behind his desk after it finally died its slow painful death. That balloon was a conversation starter many times during the weeks after it was presented.

He did more training as the months went on and to compliment that, so much more whining and bitching. He even took up being a dick. To be clear, not a useful fun times kinda dick. More like the angry, I am miserable and you are also going to be miserable with me kinda dick.

But it was Trevor, and he is training and he is running and biking and swimming and growing up to be an amazing sweaty gross athlete and we loved him despite him making us all miserable. 

He completed his first Ironman this past November. I don't know what the actual date was. I do know that he was gone from November 15th to December 1st and it was AMAZING. I am not convinced he actually did an Ironman because so far all I have heard about was the "after party" trip to Mexico. I have not seen any race stats, badges, or scars. I have only read about it on his Facebook page and his blogs, which we all know is fake and you can never trust the internet. (Except Google. Google never lies.) I sure hope that it actually happened considering all of the pain and suffering some of use went through for him to accomplish it.

So to fast forward on my journey to just last week when I decided to take the plunge. Wouldn't you after being on the sidelines and in direct contact of all this abuse? I have never had a better example giving me a reason to do something that I absolutely hate. 

Goal number one... learn how to run!! Got it!!

To be clear, as mentioned before, I don't run. The few times I have, never ended well and it has taken me days to catch my breath. I can barely walk most days. I trip up the stairs, walk into walls, pop my hip out all the time and get blisters on the back of my heals from sitting at my desk all day.

Google (or Dr. Google as I refer to him as some days. Yes he is a man! and if you cannot handle that I have referred to Google as a man and you think that Google shouldn't be referred to by a "gender" then stop reading this and go burn your bra in the streets of downtown Vancouver with all your other dirty hippie patchouli smelling tree hugging friends. Its people like you that gave us woman's rights and you should be ashamed of yourselves. Now I have to work and vote and its awful. BIG THANKS TO YOU!!) and I managed to find and download a running clinic from the 2013 Sun Run. The main idea was to condition your body to a constant run. Warm up walk, run for 1 minute, walk for 2 minutes and repeat 7 times. Finish off with your cool down walk. Looks easy right? I sure think so.

I know that the footwear I have isn't even close to what I need to run. I have to say, that I have no problem sprinting through court the house with my pumps or boots on. I got a pair of DC skater shoes in my closet and a super worn out, no tread left pair of Dr. Scholls runners. If that doesn't scream Grandma I don't know what else would. Actually, my Clarke loafers that I wear to work scream Grandma more then the runners and I love them just as much as my Grandma!

Last Tuesday, I venture to the Running Room and spend over an hour trying on bright fancy shoes. I walk through the store wearing each pair staring wide eyed at all the accessories, clothes, books, posters and even the crazy people that are in there with me.

For those that don't know me, if I have not spoken my opinion it sure shows on my face. I am working on this special talent as some people are offended by my honesty. I think its great because people always know what I am thinking.

I was in absolute shock that there was so much money to be spent on the activity of running. Here I am walking around screaming inside PEOPLE!! ALL YOU NEED IS SHOES!! And then like any reasonable person with multiple personalities, I figured that there must be some need for this stuff cause it is being sold. I can only imagine what kind of expression I have on my face as I am walking around.

I must have tried on about 20 pairs and managed to narrow it down to these two pairs. My feet wanted me to buy the $200 Asics. They were amazing! Like nothing I have ever experienced in my life. My runner up was a pair of Brooks that were not far off. Being very new to this sport, my pocket chose the Brooks. 

The lady convinced me to buy fancy socks to go with my fancy shoes. I rolled my eyes as I picked my 3 pack to add to my purchase. THEY ARE JUST SOCKS!! (I came to learn their importance later)

I asked her for any tips for a beginner and she of course promoted their groups, apps, books, clinics and whatever else was on the calendar. She told me at first to keep costs low, I could join a group that meets every Tuesday evening and share tips, tricks catch up on everyone's training and do a run/ walk with them. I told her it sounded like a book club and asked if I should bring my own coffee or is someone in charge of that? Once I realized that this fell out of my mouth, I laughed to encourage her to do so as well. I then told her that I didn't like groups of people and it was probably best I tried this on my own until I was comfortable tripping in front of others.

  • Running Program- Check
  • Fancy Shoes- Check
  • Fancy Socks- Check

Now I need an outfit.

Check out Part II of learning how to tie my shoes in this world of stinky sweaty gross people that run!